Listening to the sound of silence

Starting with my reflections now I must say this retreat was one of the reasons if not the major reason for coming to Taiwan. But because my Chinese is non-existent and my Austrian friend in Taipei couldn’t work out a way for me to fix a stay at a temple beforehand, we just decided to try our luck by directly visiting Ling Jiou Temple anda an act of fate we ran into venerable Dharma Master Hsin Tao himself! I was so happy I could then and there sign up for the retreat so the coming week would be spent in somewhat a state of delightful anticipation even though I knew it was going to be hard. On a side note here I want to say that these expectations in general seem to be a great challenge for me in life as through meditating I want to get rid of most of my expectations so that life is not always that full of pressure for me.

Anyway, when I finally arrived at Ling Jiou I felt really nervous but nervousness soon eased as I saw how nice everybody was and how kindly everybody would treat me because of my lacking Chinese (that was before the silence started of course). This is why I felt especially thankful to many co-members of the retreat who tried to make life easier for me using basic English and if necessary there hands and feet to let me know things.

When meditating and the fasting and the silence started I must say the easiest thing for me was the fasting as I really, reallythe juice. It was so rich and I never really felt hungry. Besides, knowing it were doing good for your body really eased my mind additionally as I had noticed before in my mind that if the body does not have to deal with heavy food, the whole life tends to become more focused. After the three days, my body really felt different and the food we got – the few pieces of vegetables – they felt much more real, more intense, much morean experience worth fully engaging in just for experience of eating (chewing, tasting, swallowing) as a sole focused activity in itself, rather than just the usual stuffing in of food on the go. I am really thankful for these experiences.

I am also sure I could not have enjoyed these pieces of food so much had it not been for the sessions of walking meditation which I had done for the first time in my life. It really showed me to focus fully on the activity I am doing a that very moment rather than being somewhere else with my mind all the time. Regarding the walking meditation I also have to say that funnily enough my hands became numb in the back and that was a discomforting feeling that started after around 15 minutes. I would not have expected that and I wonder now if I should change the position of my arms somewhatwhether I should try and change something.

What I will definitely have to change – and I noticed that on the second day at around 4pm – is the seating position of my sitting meditation practice as I really CANNOT sit cross legged for long periods. This really gave me a hard time and it became so hurtful in my knees and finally even in my back that I had to decide to get up and sit on a chair during the 30 minutes sessions. A remarkable experience that was! It was so remarkable because I had been so disappointed and angry with myself the whole Saturday that as a consequence I couldn’t let go of my mind and couldn’t really meditate and as soon as I got up and sat down at a chair and took it easy and said to me, “Let’s just laugh about it that you are such a ‘’’’cripple’’’’ compared to the others and let’s just accept that you have other strengths in life and I am still OK as person, I will just have to do it differently” – so a soon as the forcing myself and the bad feelings with myself had stopped, I suddenly could meditate again! And that was such a relieving feeling, as I had done 20-30 minutes of meditation almost every day for the past half year on my special cushion and had never experienced the kind of pain and resulting anger and self-hate before. This really told me one of the major lessons in my life which I am so grateful for.

I am also grateful I heard so much about the background of mediation and peace meditation especially on the last day and that in the first place I now know how to practice peace meditation itself. “Listening to the sound of silence” and the preparatory steps on the way there is a method I have really grown accustomed to now and even though the challenge of doing undifferentiated listening to the things and non-things around me is extremely difficult, I would not want to live without that practice anymore.

I hope we will stay in touch and I hope even more I will once be able to attend one of your 10 days retreats in the future.

May you all live in peace of mind and happiness and thank you so much for sharing your peace and happiness with me for these three days.

GreetingsGraz, Austria,

Georg